THE CONSERVATIVE HIPSTERS

Guys, guys, guys..... Look, I know the last 12 years have been difficult. For all of us. We've had to sit on the Opposition benches and observe two Liberal Prime Ministers "govern" this country.

12 years. 4 elections. 4 defeats. 7 Leaders.

Man, it gets tiring. Its tough being blue.

But this is not the time to go into a funk. Its difficult to win an election when you're balled up in the fetal position under the covers of your bed eating chocolate and wondering "why can't it be me?"

On the first day of the campaign, we're already back to the acting like a whipped donkey. Behold Lorrie Goldstein's column today: Media is giving Martin a free pass and sucker punching Harper. Why? Because a reporter asked if Harper "loves this country".

Goldstein muses that this is analagous to one asking "when did you stop beating your wife?" Well, firstly, a truly analagous question would be "Why do you hate this country"? But in any event, what does Harper say? "Canada is a great country."

Hey, I know you're professional and all that Stevie, but how about a simple "Yes, of course" before moving on? No, no. Here's what he has to say: "Today the Liberals suggested that I do not love this country. They suggested that people who don't vote Liberal don't love this country. Now that is what we're going to expect. It's mean and it saddens me."

To quote Al Pacino in Heat: I am over-fucking-whelmed.

Poll after poll have told us Canadians want hope. They want vision. They want a positive outlook on the future. They want to know that things will be better if Harper was running the country. That response did none of that.

So what do we do? We blog about media bias and unfair coverage (oh, and by the way "Spock-like response" is friggin hilarious and accurate). We whine and complain that nobody loves us and that we're not given a fair shake. Some of our candidates have even made it part of their campaign platform.

As Paul Wells notes "Tories complain a lot". And we do.

So, the Hipster has to roll up his sleeves and give you all a little tough love:

STOP BEING THE VICTIM, FOLKS. BE HAPPY. BUY SOME LAVENDER OR SOMETHING.

We need to stop worrying about things we can't control and focus on things we can.

Here's a perfect example: In two seperate newscasts, I have seen moderate Tories being trotted out to talk about Stephen Harper. In both cases Senator Hugh Segal and provincial Tory leader John Tory have said that Harper is "not scary".

See? Focusing on the negative, folks. How do you disprove a negative? Mucho difficulte.

Instead, let's focus on the positive. How about talking about how warm he is?

That once Canadians get to know him, they'll see that he is a great guy?

That's he's thoughtful, articulate, a tad bit serious but that he's running for a serious job?

"Not scary" is just another example of us playing defence.

As we usually do. Exhibit A. Boo hoo.

Shake it off, folks. Stop complaining.

Maybe a little sing along will make you feel better:

As I watched the historic confidence vote last night I was struck by one thought as I watched our MPs rise:


We sure do have a fat caucus.

....for Conrad Black.

First off, I wanted to give a belated but hearty congratulations to my friend Adam Daifallah (and his co-author Tasha Kheiriddin) on the success of their book. That's one more book than the Hipster has published, so I give them kudos. I swear I'll read it one day (no word on whether I'll actually buy it).

I know they had a reception at the Albany Club for the book and unfortunately I couldn't attend but I'm sure it was well attended.

However, I have one question for Adam--how could he be at his book launch (or be completing law school in Quebec) and get fired last night on "The Apprentice?"

Look Adam, for my two cents I think the carriage idea was a good one, although you could of been a little more aggressive in the Boardroom (that's really not like you).

I'm not sure how he finds the time, but Adam sure is everywhere!

...this time, over at Gen X at 40. Excellent work.

After reading Sun scribe Lorrie Goldstein's take on what goes on in the mind of a typical voter, I wanted to offer my own guesstimation.

Lorrie seems to think that the typical Ontarian is distracted by bribery (with their own money) and vote FIBeral mainly because they see the Opposition as power-hungry weasels.

I disagree. Let me use the same format to tell you what I think we're facing with the Ontario electorate:


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Whew. Monday morning. That weekend sure did fly by. Well, at least I got the Christmas lights up. Wouldn't want to be up on that roof after the first snowfall. Oh, man--that reminds me: I better cobble together some extra dough for gifts this year. Janie's got that new man in her life, my sister's kid just turned 6, so I don't think socks will work if we still wanna be the cool uncle and aunt. Boy, this will be an expense Christmas, with travel and everything.

So, what's new in the world? Hmmmm. Leafs lost to Buffalo, Raps lost to Seattle.

What else? Election fever, it seems. Looks like the other Parties are ganging up on Martin for some reason. Man--why don't they just leave it alone? The last thing I need in my life is more people cramming their policies down my throat. Aren't they all the same anyway? Why are they bothering us with all the posturing? I'm just trying to live my life, you know? Guess we'll have to spend the next month and a half listening to the parties try and destroy themselves. What a waste of time.

What's so bad about things anyway? My wife and I both have jobs, thank God. Interest rates are fairly low, and it looks like we might get some tax cuts. Not enough as far as I'm concerned, but at least they're going down. That new car is working out well, except that huge spike in gas a while back sure did put a dent in my wallet. Those Saudis must be making a killing!

I even had some money left over to pay for some of that vacation next year. Guess the rest of it will have to go on the ol' credit card. Anyway, so why do they want that election again? That Harper guy's on about Gomery. Oh, there's a big shock--the government squandered my money again. I remember my parents bitching about taxes when I was a kid. Tax me, I'm Canadian! Heh heh heh. Sounds like business as usual these days. They're all incompetent.

Not like the next government would change anything, anyway.

Hmmmmm. I wonder what Harper would be like as PM? Seems decent enough, but looks like a real nerd. I'll bet he played Dungeons and Dragons in his basement in High School! Heh heh. But you know, I don't even know what the hell he stands for. Guess I need to read the politics section a little more often. Well, Martin hasn't made me do backflips, that's for sure. But I read somewhere that Harper's a George Bush-type.

Not sure I like that.

Oh man, an election. This sucks. Hey, its Monday. Prison Break tonight!

Dear Veterans:

This Rememberance Day, I wanted to send a personal note to all of you. As each year passes and less and less of you are with us, it becomes even more important for each and every Canadian to thank you for your sacrifices.

I am proud to play my part in honouring the fallen by taking a few minutes to attend memorial services. When I lived in our nation's capital, my father and I made a point of attending the ceremony at the Cenotaph regardless of how busy our personal schedules were. Both he and I (and indeed my whole family) felt it was the least we could do to show our respect and gratitude to you.

I delight in watching each of you march past the crowds, your weary bodies still straight and proud, with a look on your face that always seems both thankful and humbled by the waves of applause those gathered shower upon you. Your eyes betray the kind peacefulness that is the hallmark of the generation that fought so hard for everything they have: in them I see someone who has witnessed unspeakable horror and destruction but knew what he had to do and did it; who asked for no reward for his deeds, only hoping to make it back home to live in peace.

I thank you for those sacrifices you made. Those sacrifices that allow me to live as I choose, to use a medium such as this to voice my opposition to the government of the day, without fear of a brutal reprisal. The freedom I have today was paid for by you and your brothers in arms.

I want you to know that I--a member of the generation who has never truly known war--knows that.

So, I do what I can to not squander what I have been given. I am an active participant in our democracy and its institutions. I cherish and work to protect free speech. I honour the rule of law in our country and I respect those who disagree with me. I am mindful of who came before me and what they went through to get here.

I want you to know that I will do my part to make sure the next generation will remember. I will teach my daughter about the nobility of our veterans, both alive and passed on, and the important of taking time to honour them--especially, but not solely, on this day. I hope her generation will make you proud.

I want you to know there are still people in this country who live honourable lives. Who work hard to do the right thing, not the right-for-me thing. There are people who understand the power of committment--who live by their word and expect those around them to do the same. There are people who value charity and selflessness and work to make the country better.

There are also people who hold the same values as you. Who recognize this was once a proud and strong country and who know it can be again. They stand up for what they believe in and will do what is necessary if ever called upon to protect those beliefs from threat.

Know that you can pass the torch to the next generation, as the one before you did, and that they will carry it as proudly as you have.

I will remember. I will always honour and protect what you fought and died for.

I will never forget.

My family and I thank you.

I haven't seen a combination this good since a small company named Hershey's decided to put peanut butter and chocolate together in a bite-sized cup form.

I love smart advertising and this one is pretty freaking' good.

NBC and "The Apprentice" is running ads featuring a Star Wars theme.






Check them out: http://www.nbc.com/The_Apprentice_4/starwars/

HAT TIP: Diefenblogger

Alright--so my mole wasn't quite accurate.

8% jump in Ontario. Not exactly flat.

But before you place all those candles around the velvet photo of the good judge you have in your Gomery shrine, I'd like to make a few points:

• We're down 9 points in Atlantic Canada, and 3 points in BC;
• In every province but Ontario, the OTHER parties (mostly the NDP, but the BQ in Quebec) all have a larger jump than we do;
• There has been NO change in overall Party support since the June 2004 election (we've basically just clawed our way back from the 26% low);
• 74% said there were "no surprises in Gomery"; and
• 60% feel that Gomery will not change how the government operates.

So, what does this poll tell me? Here's my take:

1. Cynicism is completely blunting the impact of Gomery.
2. Our focus on Gomery has had no real impact on CPC support.
3. Something is going on in Ontario--I think the jump has less to do with Gomery, more to do with McGuinty, Tory, et al jumping all over the feds for Kashechewan, etc and for Ontarians getting tired of McGuinty (Ontario PCs are tied with Libs, with John Tory voted best Premier).
4. Canadians get the fact that Libs are tired and need to go. You need to answer the second half of the question: what will they be replaced with? Changes to fix Gomery will take 6 months. What will you do for the rest of the four year term?

Anyway, I stand by my earlier assertion--get off Gomery. The impact (if any) has already hit the Libs.

Let's move on to talk about how we would govern differently and all the non-Gomery shortcomings of this tired, old regime.

When the gossip clouds rain, they pour.

Another keen Ottawa observer brings me the following story. No need to wait until Taber brings it up in the Glib and Mail on Saturday, when you can read it here at CH on Thursday:

The Boys and Girls Clubs of Canada held their annual reception last night at Parliament Hill's Centre Block. Politicians of all stripes were making the scene (*ahem* as it was).

Two particular attendees were regular scraping buddies Peter "I love the Leader" MacKay and the Not-so-Hon. Scott Brison, Minister of 3 Snaps and A "No You Didn't!".

So, Pete Rock is hugging the wall when Scotty 2 Hotty walks by him, on his way out the door. Pete apparently doesn't give the Minister a wide enough berth (I thought those suits were getting a little tight) and throws MacKay a shove, using mostly his elbow.

Heated words are exchanged and it looks like the two giants of manliness are about to come to blows (Pun? Up to you).

On his way out the door, our styling member of the Martin cabinet came back for seconds, whispering a few not-so-sweet nothings into MacKay's ear, before prompts a hasty retreat to the Ministerial ride.

I'm sure Mr. MacKay was being complimented by our Liberal friend on his performance in the Commons earlier that afternoon.

They are both gentlemen, after all.

Some election fodder from Hill insider Sumner Welles (obviously not his real name, do a Google search to figure it out):

Apparently, the CPC's overnight tracking, which has been going on since the release of Gomery has shown NO real increase in support for Harper or the Conservative party.

According to my mole, tracking in Atlantic Canada and Ontario gives the Party a bump barely big enough (2-3 points) to cover the margin of error.

In La Belle Province, the numbers are even more depressing, with a 1% increase in support.

Ispos-Reid is scheduled to confirm the same in the coming days.

But the Hipster had it first.

LATER TODAY: TWO PRETTY BOY MPs SCRAP IT OUT

So, Gomery's report is out.

Harper (with Duceppe) says the report's contents illustrate--in black and white--the need for a quick fall election.

You know what this report is telling Canadians?

Don't vote for Chretien.


Hell, fire up the buses! Victory is ours!



Folks, lets not kid ourselves. The majority of this 6,025,321,121-page report is insider baseball. The average Canadian will hear this:

• The government abused taxpayer's money (gasp!)
• Money was lost.
• Paul Martin had nothing to do with it.
• Jean Chretien and his homies did.
• Those homies got kicked out of the Liberal party.

Or, to put it another way:

• All politicians are crooks.
• All politicians are crooks.
• All politicians are crooks.
• All politicians are crooks.

All the rest is details, details, details. While the devil may reside there, Canadians will wait for the paperback novel with the pictures in the middle on sale at Chapters for 30% off.

Repeat after me: THEY DON'T CARE.

Know why? Becuase it has NO impact on their lives.

Now if the report was entitled: "The Rt. Hon Paul Martin is a Rt. Hon. Thief", then we'd have something. Canadians don't like people who steal from them. But he didn't. So says Gomery.

Right now, we have nadda. People are more worried about what to get Aunt Edna for X-Mas than they are about whether Chuckie Guite took kickbacks or not.

Sorry, boys, you're going to have to go back to the library, hit the books and come up with some policies that will actually effect people's everyday lives.

In the meantime, learn from the Spring and don't go jumping into bed with the Bloc or you...... oh wait.

Nevermind.